Dreams are Wonderful Things

This past Saturday, I had a horrible dream. It was my wedding day and my (soon to be) husband, Kevin, told me he was having second thoughts only hours before the ceremony. It is every bride's worst nightmare! I began to follow him around trying to find out what was going on, only to discover that there was another woman. I confronted them and found out that this woman was everything I was not, which my husband once was: a smoking, rock music-listening (I gave up that kind of music after struggling with some personal matters), tattooed, pierced, drink-every-night kind of girl. Dream-Kevin wanted her instead of me because she accepted him the way he was.

Let me explain: I met my husband in college during his wild years. He smoked, drank behind the college's back, and wanted to eventually get a tattoo. I was the opposite. Although we both liked rock music and Ireland, we didn't share any other interests. We did, however, have the same friends that brought us together every so often. Kevin moved home to North Carolina after completing his coursework, and we began talking on Facebook.As our relationship grew, Kevin began to change. He gave up drinking and started the long road to quitting smoking. He still listens to rock music, but I don't fault him for it.

Months later, Kevin was back to Georgia to escort me to my Junior Formal, and to ask me to officially become his girlfriend. The night before Kevin's graduation, I met his family and loved them instantly! He and I spent the rest of the evening dancing and listening to music by Lake Hartwell. That was also the night he gave me a promise ring, the same one that his dad gave his mom. Not too long after graduation, he moved to Georgia so we could be closer. We spent every day together at my parent's house, and talked on the phone till we fell asleep. That September, he asked me to be his bride and we were married the following summer.

Kevin gave up everything to be with me - his home, his friends, his lifestyle. Until having the dream, I wasn't entirely grateful for what he has done to make our relationship work. You see, the girl in the dream wasn't a real person. She represented everything that Kevin left behind. In the dream, he wanted to go back to that lifestyle and knew our relationship wold not work well if he did so.

I began to cry, and not just tears running down my face kind of crying. I was sobbing. In the process, I woke Kevin up. He kept asking me what was wrong, but I was still halfway in the dream. I kept seeing Dream-girl and Kevin together and my heart broke. Finally, Kevin shook me fully awake and I told him about the dream. It wasn't until later that morning I realized the interpretation of it.

I am so thankful for my husband and the lengths he has gone in order to be with me. He has slain the dragons in his life so that he could be with his princess. Now, I am more appreciative than ever for what he has done.

Reader, go hug the person you love and thank them for what they have done for you.

Becoming Proverbs 31

All my life, I have wanted to be a wife. There was no question that I would marry a Godly man, raise Godly children, and be involved with my church. That was my vision for the future.

How did it turn out?

I am married (obviously), still waiting on the kids, and I spend every day except Saturday at church either teaching at the school, leading youth group, or attending services.

Seems great, right?

Over the past several months, I have been a very cold person. I have no close friendships, and have almost resolved to not make new ones. I don't want anyone except my family in my life right now. Why am I so bitter? Because I have experienced great pain and loss involving letting people into my life. My relationship with my husband has become stand-offish, a terrible thing to have. I keep him, and everyone for that matter, at arms length in fear of being hurt. Beginning with student teaching, my life has been a downward spiral into a pit of despair. I need healing. I need rescuing.

Lately God has been dealing quite heavily with me on my behavior. I have become isolated. I have covered myself up in order to avoid being hurt. In doing so, I have cut off the viable things of life, such as human relations. I have taken away a necessity for me to be healthy and thriving. I can feel the drought in my soul.

What am I to do?

To begin my journey of healing, I turned to the Bible. As a Christian, my desire is to align myself with God's word. But more specifically, I needed to align myself with the example God has given for a woman. In Proverbs 31, we read about the virtuous woman. She is an influential woman of God who is fully capable of handling anything that comes her way with grace and integrity.

Upon further research, I have come across these points and verses for how to be a Godly woman:

1. Put God first (Commandment number one, and Matthew 6:33-34)
2. Conduct yourself in a holy manner (Proverbs 7:18-29)
3. Speak and act truthfully and faithfully (7:18-29, 31:26)
4. Look after and care for your home (Proverbs 31:13, Titus 2:5)
5. Serve others (Proverbs 31: 15,20)
6. Be trustworthy (Proverbs 31:13)
7. Be financially responsible (Proverbs 31:16, 24)
8. Work hard (Proverbs 31:17, 19)
9. Have an honorable reputation (Proverbs 31:23)
10: Be meek and humble (Proverbs 9:13, 7:11, 31:26, 2 Timothy 2:24, 1 Peter 3:1-7)
11. Seek sound Biblical wisdom (Proverbs 31:26)
12. Serve the Lord fully (there are many verses for this, but I like Colossians 3:23 the best)
13.  Dress modestly and show true beauty (Proverbs 7:10)

These thirteen points seem like a lot, but it is what I (or any woman for that matter) should do in order to become the woman she is called to be according to the Bible. I look forward to sharing my journey with you, reader, and challenge you to align yourself with these standards with me. After all, it is better to travel together than to venture out alone.

God Bless.

What I Wanted to Be

Growing up, every girl has a dream of what they imagine growing up will be like. From the kind of hobbies you will have to the man you marry, a girl who dreams can create some big standards for herself.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be a cheerleader, but if you know anything about me I couldn't do that for health reasons. I was 12 and in Rec Department cheerleading when I found out about my scoliosis. The coach was my cousin and knew I wasn't going to be held back by it, so it was never an issue, even with the brace. I was just so happy to finally be a cheerleader!

Then comes age 16: the first (and only) time I tried out for cheerleading.

I made the JV squad since it was my first year and was beyond happy, however I wasn't popular and was the new fish in the sea of pom poms and hair bows. Naturally, I tried my best to smile and come out of my shell in order to fit in. I had a cousin on the squad, which made things easier as far as making friends went. I was welcome by everyone... except the captain. It wasn't anything negative about my cheering or my personality that bugged her. It was the threat of competition. It was made very apparent that she was not captain based on her cheering capability.

I know this sounds like bragging, but I am just speaking truth. All my friends and family told me that I was definitely one of the best on the squad, even the varsity coach said so.

Why is this such a big deal? Isn't this a bit juvenile for you?

Maybe... but that isn't the end of this story.

As time went on, her jealousy turned me against cheerleading and ultimately led me to quitting the squad, a decision I will regret forever.

I did try to reconnect with my inner-cheerleader during college. There were a group of girls who resurrected the Emmanuel cheerleading squad. I had befriended them at the gym, and, after some impressive dance and cheering exercises, they wanted me to join the squad. The unfortunate part was I could never be a cheerleader again. The summer the squad was to debut at camp, I would be having my spine surgery. This was a devastating blow to my mantra of not letting anything hold you back.

Reminiscing on what I wanted to be, life isn't how I expected it to be. At age 13, I wrote down a list of goals I wanted to accomplish in life. Somewhere along the line, I lost the list. To this day I don't have much to show for it. As hard as one may try, there are always limitations that will cause your goals to go unmet. The limitations can be physical, mental, or even spiritual. Whatever the limitations, one should never give up simply because a goal was unmet, or a dream ended. Limitations are not the end of the world. They are a chance to back up and start over.

Maybe now is a good time to reassess my life goals and start a new list, a more mature list. Maybe one with more depth than my 13 year old self had.

Growing Apathetic

As I am searching for who I am, there are things I am finding that have lost my interest.

Heaven forbid that a fashionista like myself ever lose interest in clothing... but I have. The last time I went shopping, I was disappointed in the selection of clothing the stores had to offer. Call it a sign of maturity, but I have all but given up on looking like I just stepped out of a magazine. Clothing nowadays is so short, tight, and geared towards Twiggy looking kids that I have no use for it anymore. When I was a size 8, fashion seemed to come naturally... and that was just two years ago! I could walk in to any store and grab my size and look good in it. If I were to do that now, I would end up buying maybe one thing: a pair of shoes or jewelry. My size may be larger, but my body shape is the same (if that makes any sense).

Here I am at a size 8 and unwed. Still curvy through the hips and no thigh gap. A juicy pear shape.

This is what I want to be like again.

Talking to my husband about my weight, I asked him what his ideal body type was for women. He said confidence and I immediately thought "oh you liar."

Is anyone else having this battle? Wanting to please their husband, but he gives you answers like mine did?

Ugh.

With my growing apathy towards fashion, I realize that even if I wasn't a size 12, I would have less of a desire to dress like I used to. I don't want to impress anyone and I certainly don't want attention from any male other than my husband. With this, I am choosing clothes that are modest, mature, and professional. I am still in blue jeans every single day, but I am not casual like my sister who wears tennis shoes and tee shirts. I couldn't be that casual.

Anyone with advice or that can encourage the one who is supposed to be the encourager, please comment or message me. I could really use it.

Finding the Beauty Within the Beast

Readers: "Not another Disney reference!"

Me: "Oh yes!"

In a conversation with my mom yesterday, she mentioned how my story was like Beauty and the Beast... except I was the beast. I have always liked the story and the character of Belle, since she is a bookworm, but I have never thought of myself as the character of Beast.

One of my favorite retelling is "Beastly" by Alex Flinn, a modern version of the classic tale. It was the second book to movie that I reversed, reading the book after falling in love with the movie. The main character is not the beloved Beauty we hear so much about, but instead it is the Beast's side of the story. Getting to know the Beast brought an entirely new dimension to the tale. I saw his inner-struggle of wishing to be like his old self, then the acceptance of his new form.

This reminded me of my story before and after student teaching. Before I was a girl with a cushioned life. I never knew of life and its hardships. As my cooperating teacher told me my first semester, I was a spoiled little child that was never made to do anything. (Yes, go ahead and be in shock over the fact that a seasoned teacher got away with calling her student that. It boils my blood that she could call me that, and worse, and never be reprimanded.) Even though it was an uncalled for and very unprofessional statement, there was truth behind it. I had been spoiled in the sense that I had never had to pay bills, keep a clean house, or experience failing.

If I was the Beast in the story, my college professors and first teacher were the witch. Because of them, I was being transformed into something terrible: a bitter, self-loathing individual who would rather die than spend one more day in torment. That was the darkest point in my life.

As the story goes, Beauty enters in the form of a new semester and a new teacher. This teacher was wonderful! She was kind, patient, understanding, and helped me overcome my circumstance. She didn't judge me based on what had happened and gave me everything I needed to succeed. Because of her, I got my confidence back and was able to transform into the adult and teacher I never knew I could be.

I guess this stage could be called the post-transformation stage, when the Prince is finding out he is really like. Finding that his personality is different. Finding that by becoming a beast, he would never be the same as he once was. He will always carry the scars, the memories, and the emotions. He would be better off because of it, but there will always be a part of him that wishes the experience never happened. That maybe there could have been another way.

As if this post wasn't Disney enough, I would like to direct your attention to the following quote:

As wise as this advice is, only we can decide what to do with our past. The decisions we make with what to do with it will effect us for the rest of our days. Let the decision be as wise as Rafiki's advice.

While I continue to deal with the memory of being the Beast, I have to follow this advice. I can either run from it and forget, or learn from it and become stronger and find the beauty within the beast.